- Mood: Disappointed
- Music: Whiskey Lullaby
- Temperature: 65 degrees
I think I've been living in denial. It took me a month to take the Haitian money out of my wallet. I just put my passport on my desk instead of carrying it in my purse. I am still living out of my suitcase and haven't started to use any of my old stuff. I am obsessed with looking up the prices for airplane tickets back to PAP even though I have no plans for a trip there anytime soon. I haven't erased the pictures from Haiti off my digital camera even though I have copied them to my parent's computer. For the past two years, I have flown to Haiti over Labor Day weekend (which happens to be the same time as my birthday). This year, I'm not.
If I could do one thing in the world right now, it would be to return to Haiti. I have a hard time making decisions these days trying to figure out what I want. I have been looking for jobs in either Montana or North Dakota. Nothing looks interesting or worth my while. Then, a few weeks ago, I found a teaching job in Haiti working with Kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd graders teaching an American curriculum in English. I contacted the school, and they offered the position to me. I was so excited about the possibility of returning! But, after looking over my finances, I came to the conclusion that I can't afford to go. I had to call the school back and tell them I couldn't take the job. I hated making that phone call. I knew they were excited about having me, and I was excited to work for them. The school would have been a great fit for me. I completely agreed with their philosophy. Honestly, I have a hard time talking about it because I start crying. Almost every night I dream about it - the school kids, the countryside, my friends, my boyfriend, the music, everything. I wake up thinking I'm in Haiti and have to remind myself that I'm back in the states. The connection I feel to Haiti is unexplainable.
So, now I sit here trying to find acceptance in starting my life again in the states. I need to decide where to live, find a job, unpack some of my belongings, and stop living out of a suitcase. It's not that I'm unhappy about living at home, it's just that I would prefer to be somewhere else - in Haiti, where my heart is.
15 Two Cents.